Stop eating the Durian fruit.

I have it on (very good?) authority, that my last post sucked. If you read it, and agree, I apologise. Also, fuck off.

Actually, to be precise, I believe the phrase was “your last post was crap”. So much so, apparently, it did not even deserve constructive criticism – which when applied to something that crap, by all accounts, is the height of pretentiousness. Fair enough. I’m not really sure that there is a great deal to be said about the thing. It is what it is – which, in case you didn’t get it, was a beginning-to-end list of search terms that have lead the unsuspecting down the path of burning their retinas with my vitriolic words, and singeing their noses with the stench of my (bull)shit. Yeah well, it was obvious to me too, but you know, sometimes people really need stuff spelt out for them.

Anyway, as I was saying, it is what it is, or was, or whatever, and potentially the deliverer of earlier blunt judgement was right, it might well be shit. Quite frankly my dears, I don’t give a darn. Which is not to say that at the time I took it meekly and shrugged. Of course not. I was in my fucking cups – the time when (unfortunately) I tend to be most reactionary. Unfortunate, because it is also the state in which I am least equipped to back up anything I have to say with reasoned arguments.

I do, however, stand by my assertion at the time, that “by the way, your last blog post was crap” casually thrown into an otherwise unrelated conversation is a bit, well, fucking rude. And potentially an indication of spoiling for a fight, but on that I can’t (or shouldn’t) really comment. I may have thought it the case at the time; I may even have been right; I may, of course, have been wrong, and I may, being in afore-mentioned cups, have been spoiling for one myself. I’d like to say I’m always a happy drunk, but…

In any case, and without doubt, my judgement then, and recollection now, are in no way to be trusted. I am pretty sure, however, I’ve got the offending statement correct. Probably. It doesn’t actually matter at this point. The sentiment is there, or was, and the point is that I am really not concerned by it.

I have reread the post, and am really not sure I agree with the appraisal. I certainly don’t think it’s up there with the most interesting, amusing, or poetical things I have produced. In fact I did not actually produce it, you did. I just re-punctuated it, and I did a much better fucking job of it than you lot did, I can assure you. Punctuation ain’t hard people. If you find yourself being constantly misinterpreted in print – and I can only assume at least half of you do – get a fucking book. Copy someone else’s punctuation. It’s probably correct… at least it’s probably correct if it was published prior to the e-book/every numbskull on the fucking planet is churning out an unedited heap of steaming shit/self-publishing revolution taking place. Yes, best get a real book to copy. Better yet, get a real book whose purpose is to teach you how to use those funny little marks and squiggles that tell the literate world how to fucking understand each other.

Alrighty then. Point was, is, that while I refuse to applaud to such bluntness… ok, ok, look, I know I am as blunt a cunt as anyone most of the time, but bludgeoning you with a misplaced apostrophe is not a comment on you personally. Telling someone that their writing is crap however, is, or at least it comes across that way… except in this case, when it’s actually a comment on what all of you wrote. My punctuation didn’t even feature in the review.

Now, I know that we writers are an awful sensitive bunch. We’re the delicate little flowers of the world, trod upon in our fragile youths; we are hidden away in lonely rooms struggling to give a glimpse into our beautiful, exquisitely painful little worlds; we fret about being exposed, about being misunderstood, about being understood, about being disliked…

Get over it. Or, as another indelicate friend of mine put it, ‘take your balls out of your purse sweetheart, and harden the fuck up’. If you are so desperately afraid of putting yourself out in the world, choose something else to do with yourself. Or keep doing it, but don’t put it out there, and don’t worry about it. But if you’re going to put it out there, stop taking it so fucking personally when someone says your stuff is crap. Maybe they’re right. Go back to your shit and look again and see for yourself. Be honest. And if it is, do something about it. If, on the other hand, you don’t agree, then don’t agree. It is your shit, do with it what you will. If you like it, be proud of it, and fuck detractors.

On the other hand, some of you cunts out there really ought to learn how to tear something to shreds with some compassion, not to mention style. If you’re going to do it, do it with reason, do it with wit, for the love of testicles, at least do it with some creative use of expletives. Especially professional critics, you moribund, talentless hacks. If you’re a professional, fucking be a professional, dissect things with panache. Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

Criticism is good, it is necessary, it is the life blood of artistic growth. When someone tells me my shit stinks, and tells me why, my shit gets better. If you eat durian fruit and your farts clear the room, stop eating durian fruit. If people keep telling you your dialogue sucks, stop eating the durian fruit. Actually, if you eat that shit at all you’re a goat-fucking snake-penised god-cursed freak, and you’re writing will never get better as long as you keep it up… In fact, it’s probably too late for you already. That is some fucked up shit you’re putting in your mouth there you know.

But dietary blunders, and the benefits of criticism aside, remember you bloody fault-finders, mud-rakers and nitpickers, we are beautiful and unique snowflakes, stomping on us will just end up in a gutter full of slush… or maybe hard packed snow, ice, and you will slip on it, and fall into the road, and get hit by a fucking bus.

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~ by Gethin A. Lynes on February 15th, 2012.

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